THE FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF AS APPLIED TO PARENTING A CHILD STRUGGLING WITH ADDICTION

INTRODUCTION

God recognizes that each of us will in this life face circumstances that cause us to grieve, and He gives us permission to grieve. As proof of this, we need only look to the shortest verse in the Bible: “Jesus wept.” John 11:35 (NIV). 

Through our journey with an addicted child, my wife and I have both often cried, either together or alone. There was no singular reason for our tears. At times I cried for the loss of the child I once knew and for the child that he had become. At other times, I cried because I feared losing my family.  Sometimes I cried because I felt responsible for my child’s addiction and the circumstances our family had found itself in.  Very often I cried because I felt helpless, and more often than not, my tears were from my own exhaustion brought on by trying to hold everything together.

On any given day, if a parent with a child in the grip of substance abuse were to be asked “[h]ow do you feel about your circumstances?”, I suspect that the answer would fall somewhere within the spectrum of what Elisabeth Kübler-Ross described in 1969 in her book On Death and Dying as the five stages of the grieving process - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  There is an observable parallel between the five stages of grieving and raising an addicted child.   How can I explain this parallel?  For me and many of us parents the addiction journey can bear a strong resemblance to the process of grieving the death of a loved one.

There was once our child, who we watched take his first breath, saw his first smile, and watched him take his first steps. It was once our child, who we watched laugh and play. It was our child, who we coached, vacationed with, and with whom we had experienced an abundant life. It was our child who brought meaning and purpose to our life, brought joy to everyone around him, and for whom we had great plans.

But at some point, that child seemingly faded away. Our child had been replaced by a person that was almost unrecognizable to us. The smile was infrequent, if not gone all together. The laughter has been replaced with anger and self-isolation. Our child who had brought so much love and joy to our family, had now brought disorder to our once orderly family, and with it nearly constant pain and heartache. Although there were occasional glimpses of our child even in the worst depths of addiction, the child that we once knew was seemingly gone and replaced by a stranger.

The good news is that unlike in the case of death, our child is not gone forever. He is still here. As he heals and grows, the glimpses of the child we once knew become more and more frequent. It is the stranger that is now slowly fading away. I pray that one day, that stranger will be gone, the prodigal son will return, all that will remain is the resurrected child we once knew.

Reflection: Luke 15:11-24.

DENIAL

“Denial” is “[the] refusal to admit the truth or reality of something.”  https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/denial. From a psychiatric standpoint, Sigmund Freud, and later his daughter, Anna Freud, explained that the reason for refusing to accept an external reality is because that external reality is simply too threatening.

Jesus plainly told his disciples on multiple occasions that he would go to Jerusalem, suffer, and be killed, only to rise on the third day.  This message was delivered to the disciples in Matthew 16:21; Matthew 17:22-23; Luke 18:31-32; Mark 8:31. Yet, Jesus’ disciples failed to accept and understand Jesus’ prophesy of his own death and resurrection.     

There are numerous explanations that have been offered for the disciples’ refusal to accept Jesus’ prophecy.   Luke tells us that one explanation is that the disciples’ failure to accept Jesus’ prophecy was that the meaning of the prophecy was hidden from them “so that they did not grasp it, and they were afraid to ask him about it.”  Luke 9:45 (NIV).   

Another explanation is that the disciples had hoped Jesus would become a king, unite the people and drive out the Romans.  Jesus’ death would have been seen as being incongruous with this hope.  In this sense, the disciples’ refusal to accept of the truth of Jesus’ prophecy of his own death can be seen as the psychological defense mechanism of denial.  They simply refused to accept the prophecy, as it threatened their perception of what the Messiah was sent to do for them.

I can clearly see parallels between the incidents of the disciples’ refusal to perceive and accept Jesus’ prophecy of his own death with a parent’s denial of a child’s addiction.  For our family, there were what should have been plain signs of our son’s pathway to addiction.  For example, he would return home with both him and his vehicle smelling of marijuana.  We justified this in our minds as being just innocent teenage experimentation which we sought to “cure” by grounding him.  

Despite the grounding, his use of marijuana continued and was observably more frequent.  We found marijuana and paraphernalia hidden in his room. No punishment was effective.  Yet, we refused to believe, or even consider, that he might be an addict. Our solution was to obtain home drug testing kits and force our son to take drug tests as a means of retaining privileges.

While cleaning the basement one day, something compelled me to remove a couple of drop ceiling tiles and look around. There, I discovered fake urine, designed to allow my son to provide a “clean” urine sample when we compelled him to take drug tests. Yet, we continued to deny that our son was an addict.

Then came the mood changes, physical changes, and isolation. Our son would isolate himself in his room. His appetite had decreased and he observably lost weight. During those increasingly rare occasions when he was not locked in his room or asleep, we found ourselves walking on eggshells around the home careful to avoid any statement or comment that would be responded to by our son with anger or a vulgar tirade.  Yet, we refused to acknowledge that these changes were the product of drug addiction.  

In all of the events described above, our son was for all intents and purposes telling us he was struggling with addiction.  Yet, the thought of our child being an addict was simply too threatening to accept as true.

Finally, our son disclosed to us that he had experimented with LSD.  This disclosure caused us to first consider that he may have issues beyond simple teenage experimentation, and to take him to a drug counselor for an initial evaluation. For all of his faults, dishonesty has never been one of them. Following his evaluation, we met with the drug counselor who disclosed to us that the list of drugs that our son had “experimented” with read like the list of banned substances under the Controlled Substances Act. We could deny our son’s addiction no longer.

For us, denial was a coping mechanism. We denied what we already knew, with the hope that what we already knew would simply disappear on its own. Moreover, when our son’s actions were clearly telling us that he had a drug addiction, we were too afraid to ask him and continued to simply deny his addiction.

Once we came to grips with our son’s addiction, my wife and I spent a lot of time blaming ourselves (and at times each other) for denying our son’s substance abuse for such a long time. Just as God has afforded us the gift of grace, we came to give each other grace. We came to recognize that our initial denial was human nature; our defense against the threat that our family’s lives would be forever changed. If Jesus could ultimately accept and forgive the disciples’ denial of His prophecy of his death and resurrection, he surely has forgiven us, too.

If you have a child who is battling substance abuse or mental illness that you initially denied, have you forgiven yourself for your initial denial? If not, now is the time to do so.

If you are reading this because you have had reason to suspect that your child or grandchild is abusing drugs or alcohol, what is stopping you from accepting your child's substance abuse as fact? Are you afraid to confront your child, or are you afraid that if you do, you may confirm that it is true? Either way, your denial of the problem will not make the problem go away. Now is the time to accept and acknowledge that the problem exists.

Reflection:

• Matthew 16:20-23 

• Matthew 17:22-23

• Luke 18:31-34

• Mark 8:31-33

ANGER

According to the Kübler-Ross model, at the anger stage of the grieving process people question why something occurred and express outward anger. Anger is commonly understood to be a secondary emotion, meaning there are other emotions that haven’t been explored or allowed to exist. For example, someone might feel abandoned, disappointed, fearful, depressed, helpless, etc. and anger is the way those emotions are channeled.

Anger can be directed toward your child, your spouse, friends, treatment providers, your family and yourself. It may also be directed at God.  

According to Brad Hambrick, Anger with God is usually in response to profoundly painful events. A healthy response to profoundly painful events involves grief, and anger is an often-overlooked component of grieving. Grief-anger is morally different from selfish-anger; it calls for comfort, not repentance.”  Anger with God “Grappling with God Amidst Life’s Greatest Pains and Betrayals”  BradHambrick.com/AngerWithGod. 

Anger toward God is expressed throughout the Bible. Consider these two examples.

Jonah was not a fan of the Ninevites and wanted them destroyed. Jonah first refused God’s instruction to go to Ninevah to preach against its great wickedness.  After being released from the great fish, Jonah went to the City of Ninevah and ultimately followed God’s command. As a result of God’s message conveyed by Jonah, the Ninevites repented, prompting God to spare them. Jonah felt this was an injustice “and he became angry.”  Jonah 4:1 (NIV). 

Moses was following God’s direction to lead what amounted to a group of complaining people out of Egypt and to their promised land.  Becoming fed up with those under his leadership, he said to God “Why have you brought this trouble on your servant? What have I done to displease you that you put the burden of all these people on me? Did I conceive all these people? Did I give them birth? Why do you tell me to carry them in my arms, as a nurse carries an infant, to the land you promised on oath to their ancestors? Where can I get meat for all these people? They keep wailing to me, ‘Give us meat to eat!’ I cannot carry all these people by myself; the burden is too heavy for me. If this is how you are going to treat me, please go ahead and kill me ….”  Numbers 11:11-15 (NIV).

In both cases, God’s servants expressed obvious anger toward God for what they perceived in the moment to be unjust situations. Their anger was an expression of their questioning why something had occurred.  And in both cases, God responded to their anger by affording them comfort. 

As parents of an addicted child, we all too often become angry with God. For me, I expressed my anger to God something like this: “I been a decent parent.  I haven’t been an absent, or neglectful or abusive. I’ve done my best, albeit I’ve not always been perfect.  Why then have you let my child become an addict? This is not fair, nor just, not right.  How could you?”

This anger can lead down two very different paths.  You can let your anger out you on a path leading away from God; or you let your anger out you on path that is toward God. Jonah and Moses both took the later path. Both expressed their anger in the form of prayer.  God provided Jonah with a shade plant to ease his discomfort and then took it away. Jonah once again became angry with God.  God then explained to Jonah the lesson in his actions. “You have been concerned about this plant, though you did not tend it or make it grow. It sprang up overnight and died overnight. And should I not have concern for the great city of Nineveh, in which there are more than a hundred and twenty thousand people who cannot tell their right hand from their left—and also many animals?”  Jonah 4:10-11 (NIV).  I can picture Jonah’s response being something along the lines of “Ah, now I get it.  Thank you for affording me both comfort and insight.  I am sorry I got angry with you God.”

For Moses, God appointed seventy of Isreal’s leaders to help share the burden of leading the Israelites with Moses.  Numbers 11:16-17 (NIV). I can’t help but believe Moses response was something like “Sorry I got angry with you God.  Thanks for the help!”

Has your anger concerning your child’s addiction or mental illness turned you toward or away from God?  If it has turned you away from God, now is the time to turn around and run toward God, who is waiting for you with open arms ready to teach you and provide comfort, guidance and support to you.

Reflection:

• Jonah 1:1-3

• Jonah 3

• Jonah 4

• Numbers 11:4-17.

BARGAINING

Psychiatrist Sabrina Romanoff describes the bargaining stage of grief as that stage in which people may try to make a deal with themselves or a higher power under the condition that if they act in a particular way, they might feel better or the situation may improve.  

Consider this.  According to an article published in the National Library of Medicine, in the calendar year 2020 approximately 19.3 million new cancer cases appeared and in the same year approximately 10 million people died of cancer. Undoubtedly, a significant number of those cancer patients and/or their family prayed to God that the cancer be taken away.  I suspect that a number of those prayers proposed a bargain with God something along the lines of “[i]f you heal this cancer, then I will dedicate my life to You.”   

Conservative statistics, however, estimate that each year fewer than 25 cancer patients have true “miraculous” or spontaneous remission of cancer – where a tumor disappears or shrinks without conventional medical treatment.  Based upon these statistics, it is only logical to conclude that God has the power to physically cure cancer, but only rarely does He do so.

If you are at all like me, you have tried to bargain your child’s addiction away.  “God if you take away my child’s addiction, then I will [fill in the blank] for the rest of my life.” I’ve tried to make that bargain on many occasions throughout my son’s addiction journey. The results have never been good.

At the early stages of my son’s addiction, I was at best an agnostic. I had no conviction that God existed at all. I would say to God, “if you take away my son’s addiction, then I’ll believe in You.”  When God didn’t accept my bargain and my son’s addiction persisted, I saw this as proof that there was no God and turned even further away from Him. In turning away, I refused to accept the peace and comfort that was offered to me, if I had just turned toward Him.

It was not until I had reached the depth of despair to the point of actively contemplating suicide that I turned to God in desperation and said simply “God, please help me!”  Looking back, I realize that this request was very different from any prayer I had said in the past.  It was made without any conditions or quid pro quo on my behalf. It was a complete surrender of myself to God.  In this moment, when I turned to God in earnest, that I first truly felt the God’s presence.

I have since come to realize now that the surrender of myself and my family’s circumstances to God was the relationship with God that He desires. God has never promised a life on earth without trouble. To the contrary, Jesus plainly tells us “[i]n this world you will have trouble.”  John 16:33 (NIV). God’s promise is that when you go through trouble, even in the darkest of those times, He will be with you. Psalms 23:4.     

Are any of your true and lasting relationships in life founded upon a bargain? I’ll be your friend, but only if you support me without requiring that I reciprocate. I’ll be your spouse, but only if you never quarrel with me and always do as I ask. My child, I’ll show my love for you, but only if you follow my rules and never stray off the path I lay out for you. I’ll dedicate my life to you God, but only if you never let any trouble enter my life. 

Or are your true and lasting relationships in life founded upon something more akin to the marriage vow? My friend, my spouse, my child, my God, I will love you, support you and cherish you “in good times and bad, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health until death do us part.”  

The hard truth is that you are not going to be able to bargain away your child’s addiction. But you do not need to go through it alone. Surrender yourself and your situation to God, who will walk beside you through the darkest valleys of the journey through your child’s addiction. Cling to relationships founded upon unconditional love. Love your child unconditionally.

Reflection:

• Proverbs: 20:25 

• Deuteronomy 23:21-22

• Isaiah 43:1-3

• Psalm 23

• 1 Thessalonians 5:11

DEPRESSION 

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross & David Kessler describe the depression stage of grief as being “a reaction to the emptiness we feel when we are living in reality and realize the person or situation is gone or over.”   In this stage, it is common to withdraw from life, feel numb, live in a fog, and not want to get out of bed. The world might seem too much and too overwhelming, and you might feel hopeless.

There is a tendency on the part of the parents of an addicted child to keep the matter private. It is a family secret only to be discussed within the family. This, however, leaves you to tackle your child’s addiction alone.

The decision to tackle your child’s addiction alone is like pushing a boulder up a hill. You can push the boulder all by yourself. I can’t predict whether or not you will be able to reach the top of the hill, but I can guarantee that you will exhaust yourself along the way. 

My wife and I kept our son’s addiction to our immediate family for a time. We went about our daily lives pretending to the outside world that our family was fine. As a means of perpetuating that lie, we distanced ourselves from friends and family so as to not unwittingly let our secret out. We became exhausted. Our conversations were often reduced to bickering about what our next steps should be. Both of us were completely overwhelmed and I eventually dipped into a deep depression.  Simply put, I lost hope. At the time, I did not know Christ.

When we finally shared our situation, something miraculous occurred. Friends and even acquaintances called, listened, and shared their personal experiences with addiction of which we were previously unaware. Some of them even put us in touch with people that have themselves been addicts or that experienced similar circumstances with their own children. A support system organically grew.  As this happened, our situation felt less overwhelming and hope arose. 

Yes, there were some that ostracized our son and our family. There were others that unfairly and ignorantly judged us. But it was those friends and former strangers that God put into our lives just when we needed it, who sustained us.

How do I know God exists? It is largely through looking back toward that low point in my life.  In 1 Corinthians, Paul analogizes the community with the body. Just like our bodies, our community is made of many parts. Those parts are not randomly put together.  Rather, God has put each part, each person, just where He wants it to be. 1 Corinthians 12:18.   In hindsight I can now see that God put each of these wonderful people in our life when we trusted others with our situation and were willing to receive them into our life. Just the right people, in just the right place, at just the right time, just as He wanted it to be.  There was nothing random about it.

If you think your child’s addiction is a secret, I’ve got news for you; it is probably not. You have two choices.  Continue with the delusion that nobody knows, keep pushing the boulder up the hill yourself and allow your exhaustion to doom you to a constant state of depression and/or despair; or share your story with family, friends, co-workers and church leaders, and let God put the right people, in the right place, at the right time, to sustain you.

Reflection:

Romans 14:7

1 Corinthians 12:14-25

Romans: 12:3-5

Hebrews: 10:24-25.

ACCEPTANCE

The final stage of grief in the Kübler-Ross model is acceptance.  One definition of the word “accept” is “to recognize as true.”   David Kessler has explained that in the context of the Kübler-Ross model, the term “acceptance” is not used synonymous with the notion of something being “all right.”  Rather, it is about accepting the reality of the situation and recognizing that this new reality may well be the permanent reality. We may never like this reality or make it OK, but we learn to live with it.  

The Bible gives us numerous examples of this type of acceptance, not the least of which appears in Chapter 22 of the Gospel of Luke. Jesus knew that he was to die on the cross.  It was a fate he did not take lightly. In the Garden of Gethsemane, on the night before he was betrayed, Jesus prayed, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.”  Luke 22:42. In His last moments on earth, while He did not want to suffer, Jesus accepted that His journey has been perfectly designed by His Almighty Father since the beginning of time and it was Jesus’ fate to be crucified for our sins.

Too often, we see acceptance and surrender as a sign of weakness and capitulation. But Jesus was anything but weak when He accepted and surrendered to God’s will. He didn’t run and hide. He trusted in God’s plan. And in doing so, God strengthened Him for the unfathomable pain He was about to endure, only to raise Him up in three days to save the world. Jesus perfectly modeled to us what it means to surrender to His Father and accept his appointed path. 

The climb out of depression and hopelessness prompted by our son’s addiction could not start until my wife and I each acknowledged that God was in charge. You too will not be able to start your climb toward peace with your child’s addiction until you realize that you cannot “fix” your child. But God can. You cannot stop your child from feeling pain. But God can. You cannot stop your child from taking drugs. But God can. God can if it is His will, and if it is His will, he will do so in His time.

You are not giving up by giving in to God. On the contrary, once you recognize that your life is not your own, you are surrendered to a God who has the power to do all things for your family’s restoration. By handing it over, you are strengthened (Philippians 4:13). Trust knowing who God is and what He can do.

My wife and I recognize that our son may or may not be freed from addiction. He’ll continue to bravely fight the battle with God and us by his side.  That is the reality we live in and we can now accept it.

Reflection

Luke 22:39-44

Philippians 4:10-13

Proverbs 3:5-8

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